I hope you have read the above post, ... I asked different ppl to read it for me, and give any criticism tha tthey found.. So there were quite a few!! When I saw all the scribble around my writing I became a little disheartened.. hoever, once I thought about it, I became quite excited, because i agreed with what they were saying...
The biggest and most revealing comment was: "SHOW, DON'T TELL". I am very factual and accurate.. so I write like.."he did this and he did that".... rather then showing... . So to go through the whoel paper again and changing it, was quite fun!
Another item was not enough description.. like rather then 'nice' clothing, explain what they were wearing and why it wa snice. So "a beautiful bright brown dress" (allso B. b. b.)
Come to think of it, I need to explain the scenery a bit more.....
Anyhow, here is my improved first few pages....
draft 01:
“Cuiva! Cuiva![1]” the young girl called out as she slapped the man in the face. “AAHH” he wanted to say, instead just a soft groan came from his lips.. His sunburned face was swollen, his eyelids could barely open. He felt her tugging his arm. 
His free arm slowly moved towards his face, trying to ward of the blows. Another voice was heard, a sweet voice, female but with more authority. The girl dropped his arm and instead lifted him from his shoulders in a sitting position .
Not being able to keep himself in this position he fell backward, hitting the girl who subsequently fell in the water. “Tanya awra[2]” she said quite annoyed. She again lifted him in a sitting position, letting him rest against her legs.
“Mani naa essa en lle?[3]” His muddled mind tried to remember where he had heard that before. lifting his head he said “Water”. “Manke naa lle tuulo?[4]” ‘Hmmm got it, Elvish! Water? Water? ahh!’ “Alu”. “Alu?, ALU!” she called out. Moments later a skin bottle was given him. The water tasted like the sweetest wine he had ever tasted. The first mouthful he used to rinse the salt out of his mouth, then drunk a little.
“Lle rangwa amin?” He knew that phrase: “Do you understand me?”, and shook his head. His finger moved close to his thumb, indicating “a little”.“Do you speak the common tongue?” that other voice came from behind. He nodded. “I am Tári Telrúnya, and this is Luthien my sister. We are sea-elves and will do you no harm. Please come out of the water. Luthien help the man.” Again she put her fore-arms under his armpits, attempting to lift him up. Slowly rising from the water, first on his knees, he eventually stood unsteady on his feet. The girl reached to his shoulder. When he turned around he saw Kári, and noticed her dress was well-to-do, a luxuriant brown, with elaborate patterns, not from a poor fishing family. Her face was veiled and a hood covered her head. Her sister who was holding him and attempting to keep him from falling, was dressed in a blue dress, wet and dirty.
As soon as he was out of the water, he fell on his knees. Luthien sat next to him, watching him curiously. He looked at himself. His clothing if they could be called that, were rags at best. Barefooted, all visible skin sunburned and marked with cuts and bruises. He felt his beard and noticed it was badly matted, filled with grit and other matter, his shoulder length hair the same. Tari came closer, but stayed a safe distance. “What is your name? Where are you from?” “hmmm, long story” She noticed the hesitation. “Can you walk up that hill? There is a cave there and we will be safe from weather and foe.” Looking in the direction that Kári pointed, he measured the distance. About 500yards. “I’ll try” Luthien had one arm around him, while he rested his arm on her shoulders. Several times Luthien was straining to keep the tall man from falling. When they reached the steep hill, the small group paused. Kári supported him on his other side and this way the trio slowly reached the top. When on top, the women guided him through the forest to a hidden cave. It was dark inside, apart from the light out of the entrance.
Luthien disappeared in the darkness and came back with a burning stick. He followed with his eyes the light of the burning stick as it moved around. Soon there was a burning fire and 2 canelabras. Enough light to see where you were going, once your eyes were adjusted. Walking to the fire he realised how cold he was. Shivering, his legs like jelly, he sat down. Kári directed Luthien, who came back with a stone vessel and rags. Dipping the rag in the liquid, and then cleaned the cuts of his arms... “ouch aauuuwww” “It kills the germs and prevents infection.” Tari said calmly. “Leita[5]” Luthien voice was like a little mouse. He stuck his hand out to the rag, which Luthien gladly gave. When the rag touched the wounds, he flinched and stopped.
He looked around to keep his mind from the pain. He saw books, barrels, table, sleeping mats. “What is this room?” “We hide here when there is trouble” “Trouble?” “Yeah our land is at war with our neighbouring countries. You are in the land Astald-Ndor. Our king is Er-Halla, ‘The tall one’.
“I am Gerhard, people call me ‘the Brave’.” There was silence. Luthien had stopped rubbing his arms and looked at him with big eyes. Kari’s eyes above the veil, were shocked, surprised. “Gerhard the Brave, ‘Camthalion Melwasúl’ in our language. Your land is out at sea...” she hesitated “Alu pelu ndor.” He smiled “island, land surrounded by water, yes.” Her eyes asked the question she didn’t dare to ask. He nodded, with his head bowed. “I can’t remember much. I somehow must have escaped. We shipwrecked. Then I woke up here as Luthien slapped me in the face”. He looked at her with a cheeky grin. She bowed in front of him “Leitha, Leitha, leitha” “Dont bow to me child, you saved my life and I will be eternally grateful. To both of you” Looking at Kari, who looked at him with a frown.
“Esta sinome. Rest here” she corrected herself. Tari walked to the back, while Luthien continued cleaning his wounds. “Tula sinom.” Luthien left in the direction of the voice. “Cats eyes” he thought as he could not see past the glow of the fire. Soon Luthien came back with some food, it looked like poultry. She cut of some pieces with her big knife or short sword, he could not determine which and wondered where that came from. Both the knife and the bird... Luthien gave a piece. He looked at it suspiciously and tasted it carefully. “it tastes like chicken” he thought, “but then everything does”
Kari appeared from the darkness. “you can’t keep that name. It’s to dangerous.” He agreed, guided by the reaction of these women, his fame had preceded him. “What to call himself” He watched Tulien eating the little bits of meat of the ribcase as he was thinking of a name. She broke the wishbone as she tried to get the last bits of meat. “Wishbone” he said. Tari looked puzzled. He tried to think. “Irma-nnar” Tulien looked at him and burst out in laughter. Tari’s eyes also had an embarrassing smile.. “Wishbone what does that mean.” He walked to the carcass that Tulien dropped on the ground while she burst out in laughter. Her laughter was very infectious, even if you didn’t know why she was laughing. He showed the bone that was broken. That is a wishbone. “Aha” she said “not a ‘bone-of-desire’. He looked at her puzzled then he understood. He did not know the word for ‘wish’ and used ‘desire’ instead. Off course even here this has a total different meaning. “I don’t know the name of that bone.... Maybe Romen-nnar[6] or Hyarman-nnar[7]. These letters looks like that,” drawing the letters pronounced ‘r’ and ‘h’ with some charcoal on the floor, and yes they looked like the Y-shape of the bone. “I keep it at Wishbone in the common tongue then. Or Wizz for short?” ‘Hmmm ‘Istar-nnar’ uuuhhh Wizard-bone, bone-of-a-wizard... That sound ok. We have to add something” Kari thought for a while. I add hereby the word “Varna” to show we accepted you. “’Varna’. ‘Safe’. How appropriate he thought”
The noise of a 1000 voices came from the entrance. “Kári!” Luthien looked at the entrance as a horrendous fear was covering her face., Kári ran to the back while shouting “We cannot stay here. COME!” he jumped on his feet.. to quickly..and fell on his knees. Luthien rushed to his aid and helped him stand supporting him all the way. Kári was ahead of him, but invisible in the dark.. Luthien lead him in the darkness “have to trust her” he thought as he carefully walked into the darkness. Something was put in his hand. When the torch was lit, he held it up. The women each pulled a short sword out of a box in the back of the cave... “What about me? What are they for?” “Snakes. Their bite won’t kill you but makes you pretty sick. Luth you stay behind.” Kári walked of, without looking back. “Go on!” Luthien or Luth as he just learned urged him on. followed Kari as fast as he could, to the other side of the cave. Kári pushed and a door opened. The door was perfectly concealed and not visible once closed. They quickly got in and closed the door......
No comments:
Post a Comment